#for better or worse I am not dead
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4. I can't belive you lost him
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#sorry for the delay!#for better or worse I am not dead#Collection Incomplete au#the owl house#owl house#the owl house comic#toh fanart#owlhouse fanart#the collector#toh collector#papa titan#titan trappers#titans toh#toh archivists#the archivists#toh collectors#toh the archivists#c:i Fovea#c:i Maxilla#c:i Major#regulart
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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hey does anyone else ever think about archon!dorian and lose their minds
#he becomes the archon not for the glory of house pavus but to change tevinter for the better#do you think he has days where he’s scared he’s become what his father wanted all along even if he took his own path to get there#do you think he wonders if his father would’ve been proud of him? does that thought make him feel better or worse?#i fucking love archon!dorian. it’s an incredible arc for his character#he ran away from tevinter to protect himself. he returned to tevinter to protect others#after years of trying to fight for good in the magisterium with almost no success. after his closest ally wrongfully lost her seat#after seeing minrathous getting wrecked THREE TIMES over the course of veilguard. even if rook saves minrathous the dragon does damage#after thinking all hope is lost. all his magister allies dead. elgar’nan in control of minrathous. 9(?) years of work completely for naught#still deep in his heart he loves tevinter. he loves mae. he loves the shadows. he loved felix and alexius. he loved his father#for so long he ran away from his problems. avoided thinking about the wrongs he witnessed. made wry jokes about blood magic#but no more. he will rebuild tevinter from the ruin elgar’nan left in his wake with his own two goddamn hands#Anyway. I am normal.#veilguard spoilers#dorian pavus
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tagged by @zannolin in a get to know me game!
last song: eat your young by hozier
favourite colour: rainbows (this means nothing) (<- lying)
last book: technically I'm reading 3 different books at all times but percy jackson & the sea of monsters is the most recent
last movie: elf
last show: arcane s1 as well
sweet/spicy/savoury: sweet? my first thought was tangy like sour sweets (candy, for the confused americans) (sour patch kids to be precise) for some reason
relationship status: no thank you :)
last thing i googled: an up and coming video game studio's website called republicgames. it's founded by the co-writer on detroit: become human who WASN'T david cage and all the people who actually made that game good are jumping ship which is very funny to me
current obsession: the small arcane s2 fix-it fic I'm writing where jinx actually acts jinxy. I love her so much she's like 'wow sevika this whole revolution thing of yours is so lame they never do anything. I was doing more when I was seven. believe in yourself losers <3' and everyone's like 'wow... the scary girl says to believe in ourselves... we should set something on fire' her power is unmatched. on second thought my answer might just be 'jinx' but this is more fun
looking forward to: ummmmm ? ???? ?? continuing my arcane s1 rewatch I guess? OH and finishing my s1 jinx photoset, it's like 99% done and I'm just messing around with the text positioning at this point but ugh it's so good. I love it. I love jinx and being creative about jinx it's what she deserves
tagging: @evergreen-lyricist @blueskiesandstarrynights @crashed-wing @agrebel18
#tag games#in my fic jinx is trying (and succeeding in) inciting violence because piltover's interference killed her daughter#which always makes her enter Vengeful Monster Mode#be so for real she'd leave everyone except vi and caitlyn dead (cait only because vi cares about her)#then go find her little fan club like HEY LOSERS SHIT SUCKS DO YOU WANNA DO ANYTHING YET#honouring isha's memory by going through with what she believed in the way jinx nuked the council to 'show them all' like silco believed in#i understand her. by the way. i am the blorbo understander#it really is a dire sign that I'm writing arcane fic because I loved season 1 so so so much but couldn't think of anything to write#because it was so perfect#now s2 has me pissed off storming into the google doc#i don't LIKE s2 but what IS there could be BETTER#i could make it LESS TERRIBLE#if piltover fell at the end i could forgive the rest of it but no. no. piltover doesn't go anywhere which makes everything else worse
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how do you feel about people saying that the welcome home fandom is dead now that there are leas people posting about it?
my thoughts on this are actually very simple: as long as i am alive, there will be a fanbase for welcome home. therefore, these people are wrong.
#anonymous#ask#this sounds like unbridled egocentrism (some of it is) but i am also being sincere when i say fandom is meant to be immortal#for better or for worse#as long as there is A fan of a thing there is a fanbase#this also means dead fandoms can be revived through pure luck
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I’m spending today on my couch catching up on art and feeling insanely grateful 💖 I didn’t know if anyone would want to commission me when I opened comms in October. But to have a steady stream of work and even returning clients has made me about burst with gratitude!
A huge eternal thank you to the lovely folks who trust me to paint your beloved OCs 💖 I should have a lot of work to share here soon!
I feel like I’m starting the year slow with sharing but it’s only cause I have so much cooking at once which isn’t a place I’ve been in a long time. Between memes, personal art, client work and exchanges I’m hoping this year is really a big step in continuing to make art that I really love and I’m proud of 💖
#finch rambles#as a millennial you can pry my emojis out of my cold dead hands#but also I truly am grateful I have an anchor right now in this upcoming shitstorm#being an American with empathy is hard enough on the brain pan and our systems are about to get worse#I just hope for better days for us all when the empire finally crumbles#lots and lots of love to you all my discord & dms are always open if you need an ear or want to chat about games or characters etc
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They fucking did it again those bastards. Jason Todd fucking dies 2: Electric Boogaloo. Fuck it, let's go for a threepeat at this point. It'll be funny as hell.
#tuesday spoilers#jason todd#in all seriousness though like...what the hell#I'm not even a Jason superfan. I like him but I'm not like INVESTED in the way I am with Steph's stuff#but I am so upset on y'all's behalf. Damian and Jason have gotten so thoroughly fucked over by Zdarsky.#And not even in a way that makes narrative sense or is the logical conclusion to their character flaws#it really is the 'X is the best Robin disease so fuck everyone who isn't them'. Tim is Zdarsky's fave so these other guys need to fuck off#Update: Jason is not dead. which is somehow even worse#because it means they wrote a fake-out death for a character who's defining thing is that he totally actually died#and now they're having a character who LITERALLY DID DIE THAT IS HIS WHOLE THING have a fakeout death#why couldn't it be Dick? Or Tim? Or Damian?#Obviously it wouldn't be Cass or Steph or Duke because Zdarsky doesn't even pretend to care about them#but a Tim fake-out would make sense because Zdarsky is actually really good at writing Tim's whole 'I am Batman's caretaker/keeper' thing#so having Tim 'sacrifice himself' to protect Bruce would make sense and it would also fit with how he's characterized#and because (credit where it's due) Zdarsky is good at writing Tim it would probably be at least interesting if not straight up good#and a Damian fake-out would have made sense to do a while ago because it makes sense logistically and would have#allowed Zdarsky to take him out of the story. which imo is preferable to writing him poorly. it also would have raised the stakes#I'm opposed to a Dick fake-out because like...nah. we've gotten so many of those and I don't want to be reminded of Ric if I can avoid it#but it would have been better than fake killing the guy who DIED FOR REALSIES AND IT'S HIS DEFINING EVENT#Damian also died for realsies but IDK if that's been retconned and also it's not literally his whole thing#Damian is a Robin who died but he is not THE Robin who died
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it feels so lonely to just sit around and have nothing. no messages, no notifications, no people around me, no noise, like the lack of these things show how sad and it lowk has me wishing i had someone, not like a romantic way, but like, someone who is there yk? thats texts me and we call and play roblox or just talk, i just wish i wasnt how i am, cause ultimately i am the problem, no one else. i'm the one who takes hours to respond, im the one who doesnt know how to continue a conversation and i'm the one who doesn't know how to interact with people i care about and i'm the one who can barely make eye contact or even communicate with people. why am i lowkey tweaking rn. i wish i felt loved, by like literally anyone actually?? idk maybe cause its christmas so im tweaking. i say i dont celebrate christmas and my birthday but its just because they bring a dreaded feeling and i've never REALLY had presents (unless the occasional socks and hygiene products count) and it crashes with my religion, but it still hurts to see people opening theirs? idk like im literally the one who tells everyone not to get me anything but i get a little sad when i dont get anything and i see everyone else with these extravagant gifts but i think i'd kms if i got something that was more expensive than $15. oh my god i hate when people spend money on me because i feel like im wasting it and like they have so many better uses for it but i appreciate it so much i just dont know how anyone could find me worthy of a gift? idk wait chat this is so weird im just yappint about all my problems #yikes!! i dont care that much tho, anyone irl who sees this wont say anything or even acknowledge it? idk no one ever does so im not scared of the fact people will see this but actually processing my emotions rn is a little weird anyways!! merry christmas!! cant wait until new year, final days are 01/25/25!! see you then
#just a boy#venting#maybe a little#i lowkey hate this#wishing i had friends#wish my family liked me too#maybe im overthinking it#going crazy#crazy? i was crazy once#locked in a room#a rubber room#a rubber room full of rats#rats make me crazy#why am i like this#wish i was dead#i hate myself#i hate my body#i hate my existence#i hate feeling like this#i hate overthinking#d1 hater#how to get better#why does it keep getting worse#when will this end#i just want to be normal#oopsie#am i oversharing my emotions#help?#ruining myself#dont pitty me
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I have a feeling my mom is slowly falling down an alt right/radfem pipeline on tik tok and it's scaring me
#being ao casual about covid#acting like people arent fucking immunocompromised#acting like those people should just ''stay inside''#saying a bunch of fucking gender essentialist bull shit#the other day she described something as being ''so boy'' (the thing was ten minute power hour)#and she has told me several times ''i feel better about you having a woman doctor than a man doctor''#and i mean any kind of doctor. like a fucking orthodontist.#she acts like men are innately horrible people that are going to hurt every woman ever#and i count as a woman who is going to be hurt. because I'm a perisex AFAB person.#and when i bring up terf and rad fem shit she's always like ''yknow they have a point'' LIKE GIRL. THEY USE THAT SHIT TO ARGUE THAT I#SHOULDN'T EXIST AND AM A TERRIBLE GENDER TRAITOR.#OKAY. DO YOU GET IT.#every month she becomes more and more dead set on this ideology. it scares me that one day she'll stop supporting me being trans#and i know so many people have it worse with parents who were never supportive in the first place#but it's fucking terrifying to slowly watch your own parent parrot the same misinformation that used to subjugate and harm you#it's scary being uncertain of when your parent is just gonna turn against you#it's like watching someone rot in real time#someone who has control over your entire life#tw vent
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I hope qCellbit wakes up covered in blood next to a dead body tbh
#I don’t want him to suffer but if he’s going to#might as well go all out am I right#qsmp#I don’t know if it would be better or worse if it was in a familiar or unfamiliar place#like is it worse to wake up to a dead body in your room and you’re covered in blood#or is it worse to wake up in an unfamiliar place next to a body covered in blood and not know how you got there
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you can never have too many dainty cross necklaces.
i will die on this hill, no matter what my bank account may have to say on the matter.
#.txt#heavenly father forgive me#but i am about to make another purchase#my coquette slayyy#sorry i know most people either hate that shit or consider it long since dead#but it will always have a place in my heart#for better or worse etc. etc.
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something something down by the river
yeah i could draw something other than two characters gazing at each other with utter heartsick longing but I know what i'm about son
#beware the tags#oh no the vampire spawn is falling in love with the spider princess#also you will never guess where i got inspo from#yeah it was the man from uncle#i will make him look *more* lovesick dont worry. this is gonna rival my martin/hok stuff bc god#i still have not finished his quest bc i know its gonna make me step away from the game for probably 3 days while i recover#ugghhhh i am gonna scream! bc like the fucking headcanons i have about him and my evil little mermaid tav#she's never seen the ocean. bc menzoberanzzan. so when they finally get to the city she's like fuckin. struck by it.#never seen anything so big in her life. so to explain my running along the coast for hours to unfog the map i imagine he's humoring tav#and acting exasperated by her fascination with the water but he secretly thinks is adorable#and she doesn't know how to navigate a city like baldurs gate. bc where are the spires? the stalagmites? where are the stairs?#so he (knowing the city so well) has to basically be her guide/lead her through the whole thing otherwise it would take them 3 years#to find anything.#MEANWHILE she's having a crisis grieving over her recently dead spouse and fleeing her home for failing her 5th trial#and wants revenge on lolth of all things#so they make a little 'revenge pact' to each other but she's being slowly shown signs of eilistraee and having trouble letting go#bc she can never return home. and she misses her baby brother terribly bc he's only 12 and all 6 of her other siblings are not nice#and she's either gonna take the crown to become a god or have a breakdown at night by the water where she decides to move on#they can make each other better they can make each other so much worse
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kind of astounding how innocuous conversations with my younger siblings can make me feel like dogshit... what are the good things about being the oldest kid supposed to be again??
#N posts stuff#two of my siblings are currently in college and they both talk about it in ways that. hm.#my sister did an accelerated program to graduate high school and go to college Early so she's got kind of an...#'i am the most put together teenager on the planet' attitude a lot at the moment. so. she talks shit about her peers like#'if she'd stop spending money on Product and just Grow UP nd get an apartment and move out of her parents' house already'#and she's like. ragging on a kid who's only Maybe 20 years old and i'm sitting at the table at almost 30 still here like '......'#and my brother has been picking my brain lately about the shit i did in college and how the classes benefitted me and all#bc i went to art school for illustration and he's getting a music degree so it makes sense#but he's like 'was college challenging for you?' and i'm like. trying to figure out how to talk around the fact that i didn't necessarily#have trouble with the Classes but was trying really hard to juggle like. being in so much pain i couldn't walk or like..#trying to do homework while in the midst of a psychotic break or having meltdowns in public restaurants like. that kind of stuff#i don't really like talking about that stuff explicitly bc. idk. it doesn't really go anywhere good. not Bad necessarily#or no worse than overhearing my mom talking to them about the validity of my autism DX behind my back at least.#but i don't talk about it. no one really takes me seriously already so. no need to exacerbate that.#i might crack jokes about it in passing but i don't Talk About It. idk what any of them think about like. any of it. or about Me i guess#idk it's weird. it's Weird bc like.. in a very general sense i feel liek i'm Doing Good. not Fantastic but better than i used to.#and like. OK w the day to day of my life; like i could Keep doing it and have A Future even if i still can't figure out what it'd BE exactl#but then idk. sometimes i hear them talk and it feels like it's just. highlighting everything that i Can't do and it just. feels ugly.#like idk where to put it. idk how to reconcile feeling stupid and small for how i live my life with the fact i otherwise feel like#generally pretty Good about my life. i spent my whole life from elementary school to like. 24 thinking i'd be dead by 18.#and it's like Just Recently i'm like 'oh i actually have a Whole Life ahead of me and thats a Good Thing' but.#like idk how to phrase it. i don't feel Bad about it but it's like i guess i'm stuck wondering if i Should be. is it Bad that i'm content?#like i can't ask the question 'is there something wrong with me' in earnest bc Yes there is but. idk#it all feels like puzzle pieces that don't fit together. 'lets see you take a crack at it wise guy' idk what i'm doing or feeling rn lmao
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sometimes i hate everyone and my life and sometimes i think it would be better if i just died at this point
#except for my puppy i love him i always will#i would probably let him gnaw on and mess up my dead body anyway#but either way sometimes i feel like people dont actually care for me and that im just a stupid loser#i could never be like them i could never get as much attention and love and praise as them ever#it hurts because they get it from someone i know too and i just dont know what to do#even if me and them dont talk anymore i know its my fault but i could never talk to them again now#i just dont know whats wrong with me and what im doing wrong and i dont know why im so unlovable#i dont know why im not interesting and i dont know why i dont deserve attention am i really that needy#sorry this is impulsive and im probably going to crash out and go through an episode but i think im sick and its making everything worse#i just want to be known and i want to be somebody or something i could go on and on#im not going to do anything i think but at this point i feel like im so close to doing something for attention#i want people to tell them how much they love me and how much they worry about me i want their praise#i have my puppy for that but hes different because he understands i love him so much you dont understand#im so tired of putting in the effort when nobody has interest in me and wants to know me#im so sick and tired of being needy when i have something perfect already right in front of me i feel so guilty#because he is enough he will always be enough my puppy is always going to be enough he deserves so much better#but then i cant bear the thought of him actually going out to find better i want to spend the rest of my life with him#i want to marry him and i want to work on myself so i can feel the type of love he makes me feel consistently#i want to carve his name into my arm and carve my name into his thigh so we are bonded#i want to be with him forever and even in my death i want him to stay with me and be by me#i want to be buried with him and i would want him to dig up my grave and throw me back when im all rotted#i love him so much you dont understand i know this got off topic but i think somethings wrong with me right now
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anyway. it okay. im giving myself time to just be chill. im gonna start panicking when i get there. i still have 5 hours till then and rn im more preoccupied with the fact that i feel like i might be getting my period today and it better not happen on the train or ill kms and everyone on it
#i genuinely dont know if i do feel the grief#in some way for sure but also im. 1. not sure i have the right to actually feel it 2. even IF i am feeling it. its highly probable#im just repressing it and unconsciously beating it back with a stick because babygirl rn? i feel nothing#could be the shock too#but im kinda feeling worse about how im NOT feeling all that bad#cause i should. he never did anything wrong to me and i never did hate him. we just didnt get each others vibe#anyway it's so fucking unfair towards my mom. the fact that her bitch of a mother is still alive while he's dead.#i know its not her fault but i kinda hate her for being still alive lol she should have died 12 years ago#it would have been better for everyone. but nvm. i wish it was me too. my mom doesnt fucking deserve that ffs
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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